Restlessness

I wonder if the reason I'm so down at the moment is because I feel like I've been pulled away from the lifestyle I grew up with all over again. It's a real shock going from somewhere that values food, architecture, literature and coffee above all things, back to this grey, stressful and meaningless existence that I feel we have in the UK.

Passion is everywhere in Europe. When J took me to Verona a few weeks ago, that's all you'd see wherever you went. Whether it be a waiter passionate about his restaurants food, or the lady working behind the counter in a clothes shop. They're all passionate about something. Where's the passion here? Everything's so mundane and full of misery. Even when the Italians show stress, it's because of passion. Not whatever it's because of here.

I'm just so over England. Sure, we have great writers, musicians, and occasionally, very occasionally some nice buildings and views but I hate it. I've become restless again. Restless for something more than this.

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The job hunt is not going well which therefore makes everything worse. I just didn't expect to be in this situation after Christmas, but it's now March and I'm still just sitting here. Angry, frustrated and upset. I'm applying for everything I possibly can but never hear back. I applied to the job centre, but am still awaiting an appointment.

I genuinely love working. After years of being too scared to leave my house, I felt a great sense of freedom. Especially knowing that, that money was going to be spent on saving up for our own place. I think my biggest dream is to have the stability that I didn't have growing up, but with the knowledge that if we want to move far, far away, we can.

So, if you're one of those people that doesn't think I'm trying hard enough, how can you possibly think that? Everyday, the first thing I do is get up and check my emails, then I check Indeed and apply for anything that I feel I could do. The rest of the day is spent trying to make money on Ebay, survey sites and re-checking my emails. Yes, I read - a heck of a lot. The time in between doing those things is spent reading. It's my way of  not letting my depression take over again, because believe me, if it wasn't for books right now I'd be even more of a mess than I already am. Oh and by the way, when I'm reading, I leave the survey sites open so that I'm always aware of when a new one pops up. Oh and I continuously re-check my emails in case I hear back from a job, or a job alert. So, yes.. if you are one of those people, get your head out of your backside and see that I'm trying as hard as I can and when you talk to me on the phone, or see me in person, the LAST thing I need you to do is bring up jobs. I am fully aware I am unemployed, I don't need you to remind me when I'm already falling apart over it. If you have seen a job and tell me about it, chances are I've already seen it, or it will pop up in my emails later that day, so there's no need to do that! As for those of you that tell me about jobs that are around the area where you live, and not mine...what is the point? Yes, that would potentially be the perfect job, but I live here!!

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Rant over.

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So yes, I'm struggling. I am unemployed, I am going on a holiday next month with little to no money, but believe me I am trying my hardest to change that.