All Adventurous Women Do.

Since one of my favourite TV shows has just come to an end. I thought I'd create a tribute post for the show that helped me at least partially accept who I am as a woman.

There has been a lot of controversy over whether or not the show is as pro-feminism as it first appeared to be, along with many other negative news stories involving the creator of the show. I don't care about that. She's a female Woody Allen. Talented, funny, but perhaps more than a bit screwed up. Who cares? I was there for the show, not reality.

And the reality was that the characters she created and evolved over time became incredibly dear to me in the oddest of ways. Hannah Horvath (the main character), embodies all of the negative aspects of my personality, which was certainly a strange thing to watch week after week. Perhaps one of TV's most hated characters, she's selfish and self-centered (I've yet to meet someone who isn't), overly dramatic, neurotic, obsessive, easily hurt, and dishes things out to people that she can't take herself. Perhaps I don't embody all of those traits as much as she does, at least I hope I don't, but they're definitely there. However, she's upfront about those things, funny, talented and may I just say, has the only body on television that reminds me of my own! She's also not afraid to show it off, which whilst somewhat in your face at times (is she completely naked at least once in every episode?), has led me to feel better about my own. I even wore a dress without tights outside of my hotel room in Las Vegas, and that's something that I struggle with, so a massive thank you to Hannah and her hips and thighs for giving me a tiny bit more confidence.

Then there's the other three girls. Let's start with Marnie.

I think we all have that friend who is seemingly perfect. Beautiful, skinny, conventional, loved by many, but also selfish in a not so upfront way. Someone who can be really hurtful, but deep down has a lot of issues and perhaps even a superiority complex. A friend we can't help but love all the same, because without them to balance us out, where would we be? The Marnie's of the world will stay with you for a long time, because they love you and your flaws, exactly the same way you love theirs - although they'll make sure you appear to love theirs more than they love yours, because that's just what a Marnie does.

Then there are the Jessa's. Attractive, fun, childish, self-centered and probably a bit wild. Yet deeply fucked up to a ridiculous extent. To the point where you don't have the slightest clue what they are doing with their life, and neither do they. The Jessa's typically have atrocious taste in men, only going for those who haven't exactly got a history of being trustworthy, However, you sit there, get excited for them, and hurt with them when they get let down. You believe yourself that this one will be different, and that they deserve to find 'the one'. Even if it ends in tears, and you have your fall outs, the Jessa's are the best at making you feel better. The ones who force you to have fun when you just want to mope around the house eating a tub of ice cream.

Finally we have the Shosanna's - for the sake of this post I'll shorten it to Shosh like the show does - Innocent, crazy, blunt, and mean but too good for the type of shit you'll probably throw at them throughout your friendship. She's a rarity, and someone you can't overlook because they know they're too good for that. She might seem slightly away with the fairies, and may get on your last nerve, but she's destined for great things. Brutally honest, and surprisingly probably the rudest of your friendship group when she feels the need to be, the Shosh's might only be there until they decide to spread their wings and fly off to their next venture, but treat them with respect beforehand and you'll have a lifelong friend. If not, prepare to get given a lifelong cold shoulder.

Overall, the show gave a realistic view of female friendships. Perhaps they weren't always so pro-feminism, but that isn't always life unfortunately. However, it was funny, relatable and has some of my favourite TV moments in history!

My ultimate favourite scene and the one which inspired the title of this post is below. Thank you for reading and enjoy!

Q&A With Mad Mabbers - Part 2

Don't forget to go and check out Mad Mabbers' answers too!

1. What are your dream holiday destinations?

Well, Verona was one of them but thanks to J that's ticked off the list now! So I guess, Venice, Disneyland Paris, Vienna, New York, Nashville, Amsterdam, Verona again... the list is endless!

2. Describe the best date you've ever been on

Kind of a weird one but I spent a sunny, summer afternoon in a cemetery with J and it remains one of my favourite days with him! I have a weird thing about them, I think they're really beautiful. So we just went exploring the church and the gravestones and sat on a bench. Then we went back to my house, got into bed and watched Monsters Inc. It was perfect.

3. What songs are you embarrassed to say you actually enjoy?

Cotton Eyed Joe probably has to be number one, because I have such a soft spot for it. O'zone's Dragostea Din Tei, and lots of other crappy 90's, early 2000's hits.

4. Is there anybody no longer in your life that you miss? (Deaths do not count)

Yes.

5. What makes you laugh every single time without fail?

J does this impression of the Siamese cats from Lady & The Tramp and I laugh every single time.

6. What is your go to food from your favourite takeaway?

I'm a takeaway lover so this is hard, I can't just pick one! From KFC, original recipe chicken and hot wings. From McDonalds, chicken nuggets. From Burger King, chilli cheese bites, from the fish and chip shop, sausage or saveloy and chips, from the kebab shop, doner meat and chips, and from Dominos, Frank's hot wings and cookies!

7. What can you cook well?

Roasts. Fried Chicken. Chicken wings. Pasta. Steak. I'm a pretty good cook. Just not very good at baking.

8. What is your favourite alcoholic drink?

Limoncello.

9. What is one of your deepest desires?

Because I've moved around so many times, my biggest desire is to live in my own place. Being able to buy your own furniture, decorate it how you like, knowing that you probably won't have to move unless you want to. That's my deepest desire.

10. Describe your dream wedding!

It changes all the time. I think I'd quite like to have it abroad. It certainly won't be traditional, let's just put it that way!

11. What are your phobias?

Spiders, crisps (can't even look at the word..ergh), people eating loudly, crumbs, certain heights, and pretty much everything ever!

12. If you could be a pokemon which one would you be and why?

Lapras. It's from the sea, it's intelligent and it sings. What more could you want?

13. If you could bring one fictional character to life to be your friend, who would you choose?

Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls.

14. What are your favourite games?

If by that you mean video games, then Resident Evil 4, The Park, the original Crash Bandicoot and the first Harry Potter playstation game.

If you mean board games, Ticket To Ride, Carcassonne, Dominion and Monopoly.

15. What are your favourite places to shop?

HMV and Waterstones.

16. How many books have you read this year? List them all.

I think at the moment I'm on seventeen. Saturday and The Children Act by Ian McEwan, The Lightning Thief, Sea Of Monsters, The Titan's Curse, Battle Of The Labyrinth and The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan. Divergent, Insurgent and Allegiant by Veronica Roth. The Girl With All The Gifts and Fellside by M.R Carey. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Me and Earl and the Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews. Maddigan's Fantasia by Margaret Mahy and Alice In Wonderland/Through The Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll.

17. What are your top five animated movies?

1. Beauty & The Beast
2. Peter Pan
3. Ratatouille
4. Zootropolis
5. Alice In Wonderland

18. Which Hogwarts house are you in and which character are you most like?

I'm a Hufflepuff but I'd say I'm a cross between Hermione and Luna. 

19. Which five celebrities do you dislike? (I'm going to get slaughtered for some of these)

1. Beyonce
2. Taylor Swift
3. Ryan Reynolds
4. Chloe Grace Moretz
5. Ed Sheeran 

20. What values do you look for in a partner?

Kindness, loyalty and humour.

21. Do you collect anything?

Books, CD's, Vinyls, Buffy and Britney merchandise.

22. What are some embarrassing things about you?

Despite being twenty one, I still get scared of teenagers to the extent where I will cross the street to avoid them. If my anxiety is playing up, I struggle to even go and put the washing out in the garden because I'm too scared. Basically my embarrassing things are mainly to do with anxiety.

Um..something unrelated to that would be at a theme park, I'm so obsessive about restraints being tight that I will queue up for an hour, sit in the seat and them proceed to get off the ride if I don't find them secure enough. Or I will get J to ask the staff to double check my restraints. Before J even gets on he has to push mine down as far as they will go, otherwise I start freaking out. Looking at this written down actually leads me to think this is anxiety too so yeah that's awkward....

23. What are your dream pets? What are their names?

Jesus (said in the Spanish way), Esmerelda and Graham the goats, Aragog the donkey and I also want either a Great Dane, a Labrador/Collie cross or a Dachshund. As well as some pigs, sheep, chickens etc etc...

I'd really like a smallholding!

24. What tattoos and piercings do you want?

None. I don't like piercings, and I've thought about a tattoo but I just can't make that kind of commitment.

25. What are your top five goals in life? (in no particular order)

1. Get married and have a family (cliche, I know)
2. Travel the world (or at least a lot of it)
3. Become a writer/work with books
4. Have a beautiful house preferably in a different country, complete with a room of books and a smallholding. 
5. To be happy no matter what I'm doing. 

Bonus Question - Who are you inspired by and why?

My mum because no matter what situation she's in, she remains a genuinely happy person. She's very content with not having a lot, and has taught me so much about what is and what isn't important in life. 

My dad because he's taught me so much about enjoying the life we're given and saying no if you don't want to do something. I wouldn't be as interested in music, film and literature if it wasn't for him. 

My sister AE because she teaches me how to just be yourself and not care what anyone thinks, which is something I'm still working on. 

My other sister AR because she's taught me about hard work and how to get what you want out of life. 

My boyfriend J, because we compliment each other well. What the other lacks, the other seems to have, and he teaches me a lot about things I wouldn't otherwise know about. So for those things, I look up to him.

A Love Letter To The Slayer

(Contains spoilers for the show)

It's twenty years exactly since Buffy The Vampire Slayer hit our screens for the first time, and so begins a love letter to the show that changed my life forever.

I was one year old when this show premiered, so I'm not going to sit here and say I was a fan from the beginning, but it wasn't far off. I used to sneak into the bedroom of my older sisters when they were watching it, and soon began to fall for it myself. I vaguely remember my unwavering crush on Spike, my constant fear of The Master and the sadness I felt seeing Buffy jump into the portal to save her sister. I'll also never forget the words she spoke as she did. 'The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live.'

My adoration for BTVS stems from the fact that in it's own vampiric way, each series represented a new step on the way to growing up. It dealt with typical teenage issues in a humorous and almost satirical way, but without ever losing its sincerity. From its depiction of feminism, sexuality, losing your virginity and bullying, to lighter things such as getting drunk, going to university, passing your exams and making friends, it was there every step of the way if ever you needed it.

None of it would have been possible without the genius that is Joss Whedon. Upon realising that there was big potential lurking within the bad 80's movie version of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, he managed to create something that will live on through generations to come. Of course, the characters he crafted were the biggest reason the show was so popular.

Strong, beautiful, funny, albeit a bit self centered at times, Buffy was the center of the show. A typical sixteen year old girl, trying out for the cheerleading team, spending her spare time dreaming about the tall, dark and mysterious man she'd only just met, or generally just being very sarcastic, she represented at least a little something in all of us at her age. She'd had to deal with the separation of her parents, moving to a new city and making new friends, all whilst fighting the forces of darkness. She wasn't just a character to me, she was one of my best friends. My heart broke when she slept with Angel, only to have that thrown back in her face, I felt her breaking when she realised Acathla was awake, I struggled with her when she didn't adapt to life at university, and I hurt when she was dealing with a very realistic portrayal of depression. Buffy Summers was, and will remain to me, the best central protagonist of a television show.

Xander Harris was loveable, funny, awkward and the only male within the trio. He didn't have any powers, which made him believe he was ordinary, but he was always the glue that held the Scooby Gang together. I felt like I had found another brother as soon as he appeared onscreen in Welcome To The Hellmouth, and I still do. He taught me about acceptance, bravery and kindness more than any other character in the show, and I will always look up to him.

The final person in the trio is one of my least favourite characters in the show, however I appreciate how needed she was. Willow Rosenberg was the adorable, woman lovin' witch. I learnt about confidence and not pretending to be someone you're not from her. Her change in sexuality halfway through the series, marked a turning point in portrayal of gay people on TV , and I know so many people who say that she helped them come out.

Of course, BTVS wouldn't have been the same without Giles and Joyce. The latter reminded me a lot of my mum at times, so therefore I had a strong attachment to her from the beginning, and the former reminded me a tremendous amount of my father, so the same applies to him. In fact I still get people saying to me how alike they appear to be! Joyce's death was one of the most uncomfortable scenes to watch, and I think that's a testament to how loved she was. I'm not going to sit here and say I always liked Giles, because from the day he left Buffy to go back to England, he never felt like the same character to me. Having said that, Rupert Giles took care of me, gave me so much advice, and taught me that anything you ever needed to know could be found within the contents of a book.

Angel and Spike's relationships with Buffy remain my favourite television romances. Whether or not you believed she belonged with the angsty, dark and brooding vampire with a soul, or with the funny, British Billy Idol look-alike, you probably had a soft spot for the other as well. They were just that loveable.

Every character, however minor, made this TV show great. It was one massive family. One that each viewer felt like they were a part of.

So thank you Joss Whedon, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Nicholas Brendon, Alyson Hannigan, Anthony Head, Kristine Sutherland, James Marsters, David Boreanaz and the rest of the cast for making a bloody amazing television show. I know that all of us will make sure it's passed down to our children, and I know that it will help them in the same way that it helped us.

---

My Top 10 Episodes

1. The Gift

2. Becoming : Part Two

3. Passion

4. Once More With Feeling

5. Hush

6. The Body

7. Restless

8. Fool For Love

9. Ted

10. Chosen

Q&A with Mad Mabbers - Part 1

This is a Q&A with my best friend Amy - she has also answered these questions over on her blog. Go check it out! Mad Mabbers' Answers

1. Choose five songs that have changed something about you or mean a lot to you and explain how/why (in no particular order)

1. Vienna by Billy Joel - It reminds me that even though I'm struggling, something better is just around the corner.
2. Mona Lisa by Britney Spears - It definitely changed the way I see the music industry. It's screwed up. I don't worship celebrities the way I used to because of this song. 
3. Bring It On by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - It's always the song I listen to when I need to feel strong and ready for anything.
4. I Know It's Over by The Smiths - There are certain lyrics in this song that make me feel so strong. 'It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate. It takes guts to be gentle and kind' are lyrics that I absolutely adore and mean a lot to me.
5. Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance - 'I am not afraid to keep on living' this one pretty much speaks for itself.

2. What book would you say everyone has to read and why?

This is difficult because I feel like there are two correct answers. Based on enjoyment, The Girl With All The Gifts by M.R Carey. It's an incredible dystopian story about England and I don't remember ever enjoying a book as much as that one. Then, I'd maybe say Animal Farm by George Orwell for it's political relevance, even in today's generation. I think the way it uses animals to portray such a strong message is genius, and I think everyone should read it for the reason. 

3. Describe your dream honeymoon

Simple. Driving a car through Europe. Occasionally renting a hotel but mostly just camping and sleeping in the car - yes, J.. to fit my dream this does require a Volvo 940 unfortunately for you! Maybe with a stop off to Disneyland too! 

4. Choose five celebrities you look up to and explain why. 

You know what? The older I get, the less I look up to celebrities, and this is someone who used to read Heat magazine like my life depended on it. So it really surprises me that I'm struggling to answer this now. 

1. Britney Spears/Oli Sykes - I think her strength in overcoming everything she did (a lot that I've also struggled with) is the biggest inspiration to me. Throughout it all she's remained a kind hearted, funny and beautiful human being. Same applies to Oli. 
2. J.K Rowling - Whilst my opinion of her gradually declines, and I don't agree with the way she continues exploiting the Harry Potter franchise, I still find her inspirational. Like many writers, she was told no so many times, but still ended up becoming one of the biggest selling writers in the world, and she wrote Harry Potter.. so come on? I don't even really have to explain myself here.
3. Darren Shan/R.L Stine - I don't even know if they count as celebrities, but I'm adding them to my list. I want to write horror myself, but for a slightly older generation than they did, and I just find them so inspirational. 
4. Woody Allen - Okay, this is probably going to be a bit controversial. He's a bit of a creep, and has done/said things that I don't agree with but he's one of the most talented directors/writers out there, and I always look forward to watching what he's been working on.
5. Sarah Michelle Gellar - Probably more Buffy that I look up to and not SMG but she was a defining part of my childhood and I'll never forget how much, her and the rest of the Scooby gang taught me about the world. 

5. Do you read the book or watch the movie first? Why? 

I know you're always going to be disappointed with the movie after reading the book, but I still think you should read the book first.

6. Have you ever considered writing a novel? If so, describe it and your progress.

I have, and I am trying to. I'm currently in the process of writing a dystopian novel. I haven't written much at all, but for once, I'm loving what I actually have written. 

I'm also trying to finish a children's book I've been working on and a collection of short horror stories for young adults. 

7. If you could pick a female celebrity and a male celebrity to be your siblings, who would you choose and why?

Britney Spears and Oli Sykes obviously! I love their sense of humour, and how strong they are. They'd be the perfect siblings to look up to. It would probably create a really strange, dysfunctional family but oh well!

8. What was the most vivid dream you've ever had?

I once dreamt when I was around six, that my family and I stopped off at a service station during our drive home from an antique fair. They went off to get something to eat while I went to the sweet shop. On my way there, the carpet underneath me opened up, revealing an escalator heading downwards, that I was already on. I ended up in a photobooth, when a red face appeared on the screen and said 'You're going to die Tilly'. 

The next day, I went into school telling everyone about what had happened during our drive home, thinking it was real. It still feels real to this day. I actually have a dream around once a year when the same voice (Now in the form of a child's skeleton), tries to kill me. Never the same dream, always a year on, in different circumstances. Like he's Freddy Krueger but can only get to me once a year. It's damn scary, but makes for good writing material! 

9. Do you have any recurring aspects in your dreams?

The one I mentioned above and car parks. They're always multi-storey and most of the time they always appear in every single dream I have. 

10. List all the nicknames you've ever been called and explain the reason behind them.

1. Tilly - It's just a short version of my name
2. Pin  - My mum used to call me Min (short for Minnie Mouse) and one day she accidentally called me that and it stuck. 
3. Mazbeth - My sister's always called me it because of something to do with Sleepy Hollow - even though I'm pretty sure she's got the spelling wrong!
4. Sea Lion - I was once really into tarots cards, and spirituality etc. and I had a pack of animal wisdom ones. One day I did a reading, and mine was a sea lion and J's was a tiger. We've been calling each other those ever since. 
5. Wendy - My boyfriend is a Gemini, and I once said that Peter Pan would definitely be one too, because he refuses to grow up. So, we call each other Wendy and Peter. 

11. What have you learned from the toxic or negative people in your life?

That for a while, I'll ignore the bad in them, in the hopes that they'll change, but when they don't, I'm ashamed to say, I hold a pretty strong grudge.

12. What are your favourite smells?

Petrol! Books! J! Britney perfume! Great food!

13. Who are your top 10 fictional characters?

1. Belle - Beauty & The Beast
2. Spike  - Buffy The Vampire Slayer 
3. Buffy Summers - Buffy The Vampire Slayer
4. Dorothy Gale - The Wizard Of Oz
5. Hermione Granger - Harry Potter
6. Christian - Moulin Rouge!
7. Mark Darcy - Bridget Jones' Diary
8. Rory Gilmore - Gilmore Girls
9. Jess Mariano - Gilmore Girls
10. Alice - Alice In Wonderland

14. If you could get plastic surgery, would you? If so, elaborate. 

I'm a very insecure person. To the point, where I can't even write about it because it just makes me upset, but I am fully against the idea of plastic surgery purely for cosmetic reasons, so no. 

15. How would you describe your style?

Everchanging. Mostly I like to feel girly. Pretty dresses, a satchel and a book in my hand. I also love jeans and converse but I hate wearing masculine clothes. 

16. What are your two favourite movie scenes?

I'm basing this on those that made me feel the most and which I felt were the best movie scenes. So first, would have to be the Tango De Roxanne scene in Moulin Rouge!, and secondly would have to be the scene where he throws the ring in Match Point. 

17. What are your favourite lyrics?

I'd be here forever if I could, so I'll just choose a few. 

1. 'She treats my heart like a stolen car, all the while she had the keys' - Getaway Driver by Miranda Lambert
2. 'I don't believe in an interventionist God' - Into My Arms by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
3. 'Punctured bicycle on a hillside desolate. Will nature make a man of me yet?' - This Charming Man by The Smiths
4. 'Just put your weight on my shoulders, for when I dive into your iris, my brain erupts into biochemical mayhem and I feel like a man with two hearts' - Dear Future Historians by Enter Shikari
5. 'Every time I try to fly, I fall without my wings' - Everytime by Britney Spears

18. Choose your top five movie quotes

1. 'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return' - Moulin Rouge! 
2. 'There's no place like home' - The Wizard Of Oz
3. 'It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking' - Beauty & The Beast
4. 'Having a luck dragon with you is the only way to go on a quest' - The Neverending Story
5. 'Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the goblin city, to take back the child that you have stolen' - Labryinth

19. Who are your top 10 bands/artists?

1. Britney Spears
2. Bring Me The Horizon
3. Miranda Lambert
4. Panic! At The Disco
5. The Smiths/Morrissey
6. Carrie Underwood
7. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
8. My Chemical Romance
9. Cher
10. Creeper

20. What would you choose as your wedding song?

Because I'm such a music fanatic, this would be one of the most important decisions of the day. I already know exactly what song I want, but me being me, I'm keeping it a secret.

21. Do you secretly have the 'I liked it before it was cool thing and now I don't' complex?

I don't even secretly have it. I'm ashamed to say that I do, and it's pretty blatant.

22. Name five songs that people would be shocked you like 

I have very varied music taste so nothing should really shock anyone but I guess based on the way people perceive me, these would be the ones.

1. Big For Your Boots by Stormzy
2. The Final Episode by Asking Alexandria
3. Because I Got High by Afroman
4. Family Traditions by Hank Williams Jr
5. Going In by Isaiah Dreads

23. What are your five favourite animals? (In no particular order)

1. Possums
2. Bears
3. Sea Lions
4. Fish
5. Pigeons

24. Do you truly believe you have the talent, and drive to be successful in your dream job?

Yes to both. 

25. Do you feel more like an adult or a teenager?

I don't know. I've always felt like I'm more mature for my age for the most part, but at the same time, I can also be really immature. Somewhere in the middle I guess.

Restlessness

I wonder if the reason I'm so down at the moment is because I feel like I've been pulled away from the lifestyle I grew up with all over again. It's a real shock going from somewhere that values food, architecture, literature and coffee above all things, back to this grey, stressful and meaningless existence that I feel we have in the UK.

Passion is everywhere in Europe. When J took me to Verona a few weeks ago, that's all you'd see wherever you went. Whether it be a waiter passionate about his restaurants food, or the lady working behind the counter in a clothes shop. They're all passionate about something. Where's the passion here? Everything's so mundane and full of misery. Even when the Italians show stress, it's because of passion. Not whatever it's because of here.

I'm just so over England. Sure, we have great writers, musicians, and occasionally, very occasionally some nice buildings and views but I hate it. I've become restless again. Restless for something more than this.

---

The job hunt is not going well which therefore makes everything worse. I just didn't expect to be in this situation after Christmas, but it's now March and I'm still just sitting here. Angry, frustrated and upset. I'm applying for everything I possibly can but never hear back. I applied to the job centre, but am still awaiting an appointment.

I genuinely love working. After years of being too scared to leave my house, I felt a great sense of freedom. Especially knowing that, that money was going to be spent on saving up for our own place. I think my biggest dream is to have the stability that I didn't have growing up, but with the knowledge that if we want to move far, far away, we can.

So, if you're one of those people that doesn't think I'm trying hard enough, how can you possibly think that? Everyday, the first thing I do is get up and check my emails, then I check Indeed and apply for anything that I feel I could do. The rest of the day is spent trying to make money on Ebay, survey sites and re-checking my emails. Yes, I read - a heck of a lot. The time in between doing those things is spent reading. It's my way of  not letting my depression take over again, because believe me, if it wasn't for books right now I'd be even more of a mess than I already am. Oh and by the way, when I'm reading, I leave the survey sites open so that I'm always aware of when a new one pops up. Oh and I continuously re-check my emails in case I hear back from a job, or a job alert. So, yes.. if you are one of those people, get your head out of your backside and see that I'm trying as hard as I can and when you talk to me on the phone, or see me in person, the LAST thing I need you to do is bring up jobs. I am fully aware I am unemployed, I don't need you to remind me when I'm already falling apart over it. If you have seen a job and tell me about it, chances are I've already seen it, or it will pop up in my emails later that day, so there's no need to do that! As for those of you that tell me about jobs that are around the area where you live, and not mine...what is the point? Yes, that would potentially be the perfect job, but I live here!!

---

Rant over.

----

So yes, I'm struggling. I am unemployed, I am going on a holiday next month with little to no money, but believe me I am trying my hardest to change that.

Welcome to Tilly's Neverending Story!

After much deliberation, I've decided to return to the world of blogging! My original page Fairytale Of Social Anxiety had actually started to gain a small following but after a very regretful altercation with a friend over some of it's content, I decided to delete everything on the site.

Since then, I've created and deleted so many blogs that I've lost count. Nothing ever managed to feel as open, and special as FOSA did, and I lost my way a little. Both with writing and out in the real world. It was always my escape from the challenges I was facing in everyday life, but bit by bit I found I wasn't sure of who I was anymore. Ironically, looking back at it now, I didn't have a clue of my identity during the FOSA years either, but it felt like I did at the time. I believe that the social anxiety and depression had clouded the side of myself that I genuinely liked, and I got used to being a subdued and unopinionated shell of the girl I used to be. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I still have coping mechanisms. My room remains my safe haven, as it always has, and always will. Literature transports me to an alternate world, where I can lose myself and find solace in the company of likeminded people who believe in happily ever afters. Music and writing will forever continue to be my emotional outlets, and I still find myself wishing that certain characters from TV shows and movies could be real, so that I'd have someone to share all of this with - in particular Buffy, Xander and Willow, of course. 

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I'm by no means an open book. I don't like verbally sharing my thoughts about my personal life, and that's never going to be something that I do. There's only one person that I am comfortable doing that with, and I'm sure it will remain that way. However, doing it through writing is a whole different story. There are some things I wouldn't dare share on a blog, but if it's in regards to anxiety/depression and letting other people see that their quirks are to be adored and not something to be ashamed of then I'm all for it. Heaven knows if we can't embrace them then we'll just go downright mad - or at least madder than before!

I also want this blog to be a place where we can escape from all of that, and delve into our obsessions. Everyone has that little something that helps, and as mentioned before, for me it's solitude, literature, lyrics and cinematography! It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but for me it's the world. 

Tilly's Neverending Story will be a place for reality, but above all, it will be a place where we can fly away from it.